Dear 6 1/2 supporters and whom ever else had decided to read my little missives. Hope you had a great week and weekend. I had the pleasure of attending a dear friend, Margie's wedding yesterday. I've know Margie about 4 years and she's many years younger than me, but she is one of the most kindest, caring and all around good persons I've ever had the honor of knowing. Just as she is a beautiful person she was a beautiful bride. I have the profound gratification of knowing she is "a sister of my heart". As I watched her and her Tony exchange their vow's and have their first dance as husband and wife I had time to reflect upon many different things in my life and it does bring up so many different emotions. First off, as always it reminded me how in love I am with my Sainted Danny. As I watched Margie walk down the isle I was reminded of my own wedding day and the excitement. It wasn't the "party" that was important to me, it was the vow that I was taking that excited me. I though about my Mom and Dad and how proud I was to have my Dad walk me down the isle. I was his last daughter to marry and I thanked God he was there to support me (I think we both did a bit of emotional and physical supporting that day as Daddy was not in good health). I also had to reflect on some painful things....My sisters. As most of you probably know my sisters and I do not have contact with one and other. That of course was until March 18th when I ran into my older sister, Donna at Sam's club. I have to give her credit as she was the one who approached me as I didn't even see her. It took me a few moments to realized who she was, which in someways is very sad. I don't know if I would have been able to do the samething if I had been the one to see her first. We spoke. I held all the horrible bad thoughts and words in because that was not how she was approaching me and at this point would solve nothing. She wished me a happy birthday and I wished her a good, happy long life. We did go outside and have a conversation. I can't say it solved anything I guess it just took the suprise element away of will I ever run into this person and how will I handle it. I try to be a good, kind, caring and forgiving person but I don't always succed. I acknowledge that it took four of us to cause the problem and I do include my dear mother in that. I love Mummy with my entire heart and soul and tried to everything I could for her. I wish Mummy had knocked all our heads together and told us to shut up, get along and get over it. Alas, this did not happen. At this point in her life Mum was getting older and probably sicker and in general just beat up mentally and physcially by life. It happens. I have been fortunate that I have other family who have been my rocks and foundation during these past years. No matter how I try I cannot erease the blood bond I have between these two women. I must say even if I don't like them as people, I do love them. It's a very complicated thing. I still haven't seen the younger sister, Ruth, but just as it did with Donna I imagine we will run into each other someday. I don't think it will go as civil as it did with Donna. I don't know what I feel about Ruth. Yes, I love her, no I don't like her. This might sound like a horrid thing to say, but I can't help it. If God had put us all in a room together none of the three of us would have chosen to friends with one and other. Blood does not always make you buddies. I had already been in conflict with these feelings before last night at Margie's wedding. It made me think about things like will I ever see my Niece and Newphew again and see them walk down and isle with someone they love? Will I ever know if I'm a Great Aunt? Then is the horrible question of do I want to be part of those lives. It has nothing to do with love for them. My heart aches sometimes to see them and hear their voices. I just am so unsure what path I am being led down right now. I know we are supposed to be good Christian's and forgive but some hurts go so deep and the cut is so ugly that it may never heal. I know, Jesus forgave the worst things in the whole world why can't I? Where does it leave us?? I have no answers. I don't think it's something that I will all of a sudden have a "light bulb" moment and have the answer. I also don't think I'm the one who has more soul searching to do. I know I do my share of it and I know the toll it has and is taking on me. I must say watching Margie get married with all her family and friends around her loving and supporting her gave me a wonderful warm feeling. It also made me sad that I honestly never felt that kind of warmth from my sisters. Dear reader, please do not think I am placing all the blame on them. again I state, I had my fingers in this pot and helped stir it. Much of my stiring was not done from any malious but from overwhelming hurt. I always tell people who are angry at a sibling or a loved one and have decided to to speak to them to please take a good,long, hard look at my sisters and myself. Our's was and is no solution and if you make that decsion sometimes there is no turning back. Thus brings me to my blog title "A Rose is a Rose is a Rose". This was written my Gertrude Stein in 1913 for a poem "Sacred Emily". Basically it means, It is what is is. Im also trying to process that in terms of these two relationships. Is it truly is what it is? I can tell you in the future days, weeks and months I have much to ponder and pray on. If anything today makes you go mmmmm in my blog today I hope that it is about the effect we all have on one and other, releated or not. You have all been kind reading this and allowing me to vent some of this. I bid you all and Adios for today and leave you with a quote from Romeo and Juliet
"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.".. William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2. Gotta love me...I like to make a grand depature and any chance to quote ole Will Shakespeare is always a great opportunity! Till the next time my friends....xoxxoo peace out! Pammy
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